good people

there are still some good people out there, if you want to see them. maybe they are few, but if you want to find some, you have to look pretty well. they are still out there. and you know they are when you feel their presence, their energy around. they don't have to be close to you phizically, but you can feel their good vibes and their good soul.
there are some times when you feel, after a lot of bullshit, that you don't want or you don't need anybody around yourself, and if you want it badly enough that can happen, believe me. to me, it did. i managed somehow to put away all the people around me, with some few exceptions, like my sister, who is around me and will be even if i go crazy:) and for that I'm forever thankful, and I just realised today that even if down there I may be wantin to keep those people around me, my whole behavior and attitude makes them go away, voluntary, i voluntary have it, for them to go, for me, to keep me away from problems, from bad feelings, from disappointment. and this may be normal, as long as you pass with people through ups and downs and still be there for them and let them be there for you, but when you act in a way that makes everyone go away, that's not normal.
and by choosin mentally, plannin somehow uncounsciously, to be protected, like in a big rocky castle by anything or anybody, you choose stagnation, against livin. and so, by startin to protect yourself from somebody, you manage to protect yourself from everybody.
now I am in an empty house, just by myself, havin a tv and internet, my laptop, my ipod...and my thoughts... I came to realise that I grew apart from anybody. I wanted this and I gained it. and believe me, it doesn't really feel as good as I thought it would feel. it's not really a problem you see, I know how to deal with my loneliness, I've been experiencin it since I was little, but maybe as you grow up, and the years pass, you come to realise you actually need somebody next to you. but, I can always be next to people if I choose that, but the thing I may be scared of is that, maybe after some days, or at the 1st thing I don't like, I just go away, as I taught myself to do, and it's not goin to just come back, I prooved myself I don't return...and it became more than a good mechanism of protectin myself, it became a state of being, a real fact, I tried and I can't, I simply can't stay next to somebody even if I really like that person... I simply go away when I feel that...and if that person doesn't come back after me, I never return, and maybe I don't return even if it comes after me... I don't feel the meaning of fighting, even though I know there are things I can fight for... but when you choose conscious to not live your own life... what? what do you think you will start fighting for, if you gave up on your own life???
I know this is hard to believe... but it's a true thing for me.
So...beside all these scenarios in my head... I can distinguish good people for bad people, and I know how few are the good ones, and by letting them go, or puttin them away, I realise I don't do a good thing, and I want to try, believe me it's hard for me...it's hard for me even to stay everyday with myself, the real one, so what can I say about stayin next to somebody else?
who knows me, and has a clue about my life knows why I became like this. and most of that, I know and I am aware that I will never be what I was when I was younger when I was acting like if God made all these creatures called humans, then they all deserve something... even though some of them, a lot of them, can ruin your life:)
funny how it is life, it was given to me too...and somehow I have to find another way to live it...

for today... I just wanna say I felt a good human being around:) and I'm thankful for that:)

One Love,

A.